The Orifice

Its not often I write a post about work-work, but there are moments when the day to day humdrum reaches the dizzy heights of my blog.

 

Having had a few months off work, blissfully soaking up the delights of the day, it was not only a rude awakening being shoved into the year end accounting process, but also a pretty sharp slap in the face to be surrounded by people talking in a completely different language – one where you use the most convoluted, string of words to embrace a simple concept. 

 

Normal person: “sound good?” 

Same person at work: “are we singing from the same hymn sheet?”  

 

It’s a language of pointless nothingness, or “Management Speak” as it’s commonly known.  So why do normal, self-respecting people use it given some fluorescent lighting and a row of desk pods?

 

I once worked with a Manager who, in effect, doubled the irritation by peppering emails with Management Speak encased in ‘single quotes’. Argggh!  Apart from irritating me, it had the double effect of dumbing down the message so it could be decoded successfully by a 5 year old.  Reading my emails was like being magically transported to my high chair with a plastic spoon edging towards my mouth: “choo-choo …open wide for the train”. But this particular Manager in question was a timid little soul, a bit scared of ‘rocking the boat’ and I’m under no illusion his Management Speak served as a bit of a cushion to keep everybody happy, pacify the masses, mixed in with a little butt kissing.

 

Yet still, I remember another crapweasel I worked with many years ago who not only used Management Speak but actually re-phrased it.  Sort of ‘re-branded’ it as if to make it his own. I distinctly remember a bit of a low point in a project where we all realised we’d screwed up the best part of a year’s work. 

 

Crapweasel: “The way I see it, the horse has left the stable … the question is, we just gotta find a way to catch it”

 

I don’t think I could contain myself in that rather blatant, yet abysmal rehash of “close the stable door after the horse has bolted”.  Crapweasel was a big fan of inventive Management Speak and used it to impress the big guns. And there is some ‘method to his madness’ as I have seen some positive correlations between Management Speak usage & job rank. But there’s a fine line with Management Speak, and Crapweasel didn’t quite pitch it right.  His inventions were a little too way out there and eventually Crapweasel was pretty much counselled out of the firm.

 

Yet here I am again, 10 years into my orifice career and it still trips off the tongue of all professionals alike – clever, stoopid, old, young, wise, foolish … and I even found myself on a couple of occasions stoop soooo low to use it myself. In fact, it can be cunningly used to your advantage”.

 

Manager X: “Acuvoice, what happened to that report I asked you to produce last week?”

 

Acuvoice: “Yeah … ummm … I think I ‘dropped the ball’ on that”

 

Manager X: “Cool, ok”

 

Bingo.

 

But yet, my fondest memories of the orifice have to be of those honest little souls who won’t play by the rules.  I was once privileged to be in a meeting with an enlightened colleague who actually wrote “bored” on one of the orifice mints and rolled it across the table in a meeting in a blatant ‘fingers up’ to the establishment moment.

 

Now that I treasure.

Ladies & Gentlemen …

First things first, I must apologise for my absence over the past few months.  I’d like to say it was because I was producing an album or working with the blind in Africa, but sadly its because the over zealous IT team at my new job have blocked my ability to upload files from an external source.   Ashamedly, I don’t actually have internet access at home … technophobe that I am.  So I’m sure there have been many a disappointed visitor to my site over the past few months

So what have I been up to? Asides from my new contract accountant role, treating patients with acupuncture and shoehorning in the odd jazz jam/open mic, I enrolled and completed a short drama course … but that’s another story (more to come in a separate post).

My biggest piece of news is that I have written my very first song! Well, my first song since G.C.S.E Music, many musical moons ago. I have, over the past 16 years, attempted to write the odd song but I never got that far before my lyrical talents quickly eroded any pretty chord sequences I managed to conjure up.  Surely not (I hear you say) – not with your clever quips and literacy magic!  But seriously: “The cat sat on a mat, with a hat” pretty much sums it up.  I seemed to oscillate between horrendous ladybird book rhyming or cheesy, corny lyrics that would make any self-respecting soul hurl into the nearest bucket.

But last night, something happened.  Having had a nice soak in a hot bath, I sat at my piano in my spotty, furry slippers and pink dressing gown (all the key ingredients) and I suddenly remembered this photograph sitting on my parents mantelpiece.   The words seemed to just trip off my tongue … the chords eloquent yet simplistic. 

I stayed up til midnight toiling away on the back of an old bank statement and had one of the most restful night’s sleep ever.  It’s been a landmark in my musical journey.  And today I can’t help but think why, why now?  I have admittedly been playing a lot of the Beatles and studying their lyrics (although I’m not comparing myself to the Beatles!!).  But obviously there is a story behind the photograph, and one that is pretty close to my heart following the recent flair up of a rather messy divorce.  Sometimes (and this is a corny cliche), there aren’t words to describe how you feel.  Somehow my emotions throughout the years built up, slowly & gradually & became entwined in the creative process (now that is poetic, if not a little self-indulgent). Maybe I’m going to have to wait another 20 odd years for a similar eruption?

So am I going to post it for you perusal?

HELL NO.  I’m still in my songwriting pampers.